When I started this blog I did it with the intent of someone out there going, "Oh, that's me too!" We went for so long without a diagnosis. My son missed out on early childhood interventions. More than that we went for years with the condemnation, hateful stares of strangers and the general frustration. We had years of knowing that we were doing everything right but with the opposite results. I don't want anyone to go thru the same thing if it could be helped. Sometimes that includes sharing the hard times.
With school ending and change in our routine he has regressed. To be honest I expected it and yet I am still surprised. I know, right? He is seven you would think that I would be past this, but...NOPE.
His OCD has become more pronounced and the anxiety is thru the roof. Getting him out of the house to go to a, (the evil "P" word), party today. Once we were there he tearfully refused to get out. I had to get him out of the car, it was too hot. After he was out I ended up having to hold him, on their front lawn, in the shad. I rocked him and calmed him down. I had my internal moment of frustration. I knew that he was just wasting energy and once inside he would be ok. Once I knew that he wouldn't run I let him go and guided him to the front door. He almost didn't want to go inside. He was coaxed in by the birthday boy's dad. He had to look at the crawfish. It took a full hour to get him in and out with the other kids, but, he did it.
This is where I think that my thinking splits from others. My son, my sweet son, is struggling. Yes, I think that this might be the last year that I will have the strength to hold him. That terrifies me. But, not once do I blame his autism for it. Perhaps, it is a gift from waiting so long for his diagnosis? I am simply looking at him as him and have never thought twice.
At the birthday party I found out that one of the verbose one's classmates had a little brother that is about to be evaluated. I talked with the little boy's mom a lot. It brought back memories from when my son was little. Her son actually interacted with my son which surprised her. My son has a special way with other kids with special needs. I think that it is a gift that he has. Thru his own struggle he is learning something that I could never truly teach him, compassion.
As I told that mother, new to our world, there is a constant ebb and flow. So, we ride this wave of unknown. My son struggles, I struggle, our family struggles. I know that the wave will peak. Where it leaves us at the bottom? That I can't answer, only time will tell.