Sunday, January 17, 2016

Thoughts On Becoming "Mom"

    I am the youngest of four kids, there is a pretty big age gap between me and my next oldest sibling, (five years and ten months to be exact). By the time my mom got to me she was a seasoned pro in the mommy department. Some of my earliest memories of her are of her having seemingly magical powers. She knew how to spell every word, the answer to every question and if I wanted to know the meaning to phrases like MO, my mom knew it. I even remember thinking that my kids were going to be in big trouble because, how was I ever going to know so much? Little did I know that we would have something called Google.
   I used to ponder where and at what point was a mom endowed with this wealth of knowledge. Funny, but true story. The last month before I had kid #1 I realized that I had never bathed a new born. That set off a, hormone induced, panic attack. I read everything that I could get my hands on. I will never forget that first bath. I had my What To Expect The First Year mom guide out and very carefully followed it. The funny part is that my son's water aversion was already there. I even have the pictures to prove it. He was so mad that his little face was bright red.

Where was I? I digress...  

    I am not going to lie this whole mom thing has been hard lately, like World War One, in the trenches hard.  I have had to repeatedly turn to the experts for help because, I don't always have the answers. At times that, in and of its self, hurts. Knowing that to spite my seven years and seven months of categorized mommy knowledge I still don't have the answer. I am still as awkward as I was so long ago at my son's first home bath. Not having the answers makes me feel, powerless.
  I would like to blame my struggles on how much harder the world is today than it was thirty something years ago. Perhaps my mom's generation had less pressure on it? Moms today wage a constant battle of opinions. It's not just the opinion of neighbors and relatives either anymore. It is the stranger at the store who decided to film you and post it on Youtube for the world to see.
   This brings me to days like today. I wonder how the heck I am going to make it thru to tomorrow? And does coffee power count as magical powers? The kids are in bed and I am not far behind. I have a giant package of Kirkland toilet paper on the floor in my living room and the vacuum is still plugged in that really needs to be put away. I am pretty sure that I wasn't high level today. This whole mommy business doesn't get any easier either, does it? I hope that the mom that my kids remember is better than the mom that I remember me to be.Thank God that tomorrow is another day and another chance to try again.