Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Time Of Death

   Okay guys that is it, I am calling it. Time of death 12:35pm, December 1, 2015. It is time to put to rest the BS line that I have been telling myself for years. This belief that I can measure myself by myself. "As long as I keep going forward and meeting goals." Well I am done. I am sick and tired of being told that I should be something better.
   Who the heck defines that elusive better? I am READY to say NO MORE. Suffering is a part of the human experience. We all suffer. Why are we so shocked when we are reminded of how fragile life is? Defining our quality of life by things that we have or can accomplish is....well stinky dog poop...BS is too nice of a word.
     At some point, as I reflected on my last year of life, I snapped. Most of what traps me is my guilt because, from the outside, my life is not better. I am at the bottom of a bottomless barrel. I have a growing brain cyst, I have damage to my hypothalamus, my thyroid is suffering because of it and I have two solid thyroid nodules. I have gained over 50lbs and am unfit for the first time in my life.
     Yet, I have learned thru it all that I am very in-tune with my body and knew what was there before they told me. I have learned compassion towards others with chronic illnesses. I truly appreciate every good moment that I have. I have learned that my husband will really love me thru good times and bad. I have learned humility and am able to voice when I just can't do it...whatever that it is.
   Most of all I am thankful. Thankful for the strangers that are now dear friends. Thankful for my friends who have stood by patiently willing to be a kind voice when I need it. I am thankful that to spite my dark and painful moments I have been able to rise out of it. I am thankful for the prayers and thoughts that are sent on my behalf everyday.
    So, you are dead and gone GUILT. I am free from the heavy weight, of the BS line that I have somehow failed. I am done mourning what I have lost and I am ready to celebrate what I have gained.