Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Wednesday Confessions

   I have a confession. I was going to post another more controversial post and I chickened out. Somehow the words seemed too intense. I feel that far too often, in this online world that we create, folks forget that the other person is real too. They are somebodies mother, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, friend and wife. And, well, some of us can rip each other to shreds in an animalistic fury. I have news for you, all of us are doing the best that we can to live this life we are given. Often our best sucks and we get knocked down a few notches. When that happens then all that we can do is wake up the next day and try again.
   Sometimes, our life isn't what we expected or what we thought that we signed up for. When that happens we regroup, try to learn what we can and go from there. No ones life follows the same exact path. There may be times that we arrive at the same point in time at the same moment. How we got there was different and where we go from there is different and unique. My point is that no two life experiences are the same. Everyone's experience is valid. It is up to us to realize and accept that basic fact about life.
  How do we accept it? Perhaps it starts when we begin to see that each and every human life has value and deserves dignity. One of my favorite Dr Seuss quotes from Horton Hears a Who,"a person, is a person no matter how small." All of us have value.  When we tear apart and put eachother down nobody wins.
   I suppose to summarize what I am trying to say. I didn't post what I had been writing because I didn't feel that I could say what I was feeling without it hurting someone. You all have more value than that. The autism world is very polarized. You are taking about normally confident people who have been throw into situations, packed with emotion and uncertainty. The one truth that I beg you to remember as you interact with others, online or in the real world, is that all experiences are valid. With mutual respect we can learn from eachother and hopefully grow to become a community of friends.


Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Sad Lonely, Loner

   If you ever wondered about the loner at the school pick up, you know the one all by herself?  That would be me. You might wonder why my face is buried in my phone instead of talking with all of the other moms? For starters I have over the years realized just how different my family is. The husband works out of town in the timber industry. My son is ASD, SPD, APD, Anxiety and other language disabilities. Then there is the daughter. She is a social butterfly and is very...er...verbose. The husband and I use to joke that is she was ever kidnaped they would bring her back because she would talk their ear off. Then there is me I am a people person but I have noticed as I have gotten older that I just don't have "It" to add to my other long term friendships and family. I am doing good to maintain those relationships. Plus over the last two years I have had to have two operations, I am currently dealing with a neurological disorder, my son was diagnosed and both kids started school. Let us just say that I only have a little bit left to give and today is probably not your day.
  To be completely truthful since my sons birth I have always felt like an outsider looking in. All of the stuff that other moms would look down at me for, "what he isn't sleeping thru the night? Mine was by 3 months!" His diagnosis explained it and gave me a direction to find my tribe, others with an ASD child . Those in my tribe are the ones that get my love of all things coffee. They also get why it's hard to hear someone with a new born complain about them waking at night. I case you were wondering, my 6 year old still wakes up at night. During any major change I will have nights where I don't even get three hours at a time. Another funny thing that I have noticed and I know that I used to do it too...teeheehee. Is that the word autism is mentioned, by non autism families, in a hushed tone like they are talking about a mythical creature that will appear if its said too loud. AUTISM, autism, autism. Dang it, nothing happened. Oh, I think that I was supposed to say Rumpelstiltskin?
  To make my world just a little more awkward my daughter started Kindergarten this year. With that I was thrust into the neuro typical world. You know the one where your kid remembers the names of kids from school, you are asked to volunteer in class, cross country meets to go to and well things are typical. I now straddle two worlds one with IEPs, SLP, SDC and a whole lot of acronyms. And one with a ton of socializing. With the hubs being out of town I am stuck dragging my other kids to loud people filled places. Sorry folks it is a little hard to interact when you are covering your sons eyes and ears while rocking as you try to block out the overwhelming sensory input. And no my son is not being naughty he is over loaded and crying because it hurts. My son is sweet and caring but, when its too much he turns into a scared wild child. I know that I am not the only one. There are many families that straddle the two worlds.
    I'm not really sure, but I suppose in time I will get to know some of the, "other" school moms and I will get better at the interactions. Shoot, I might even follow my daughters lead and learn a few of their names. Until then I will stand alone. A not so sad lonely, loner enjoying my last few minutes of quite. Hey you never know maybe I'm just standing there writing about you....


Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Who Am I ?

   Who am I? I am a thirty something stay at home mother of two. I am new. New to the autism world and new to the blogging world. My college 1A teacher Ms. Adams would probably say that I should never join the blogging world. Something about my writing not having, "sparkle", lucky you.
    I was never even a reader of blogs until I started down the crazy rabbit hole called autism. Once I realized that there was a whole network of other moms and dads who had, "been there done that," I couldn't stop reading. At times hearing what the other families, like mine, have gone thru were the very words that I needed to make it thru the day.
   My son was diagnosed eight months ago as moderately Autistic. He has additional language and learning disabilities. You often hear that knowledge is power. That is quite the understatement.  For me that seventeen paged report was not just empowering, it was life changing. For almost six years I had been living as a special needs mom of one with a barely a year younger sister. I had the same struggles with zero support. My son missed out on five, almost six years of early childhood interventions. I had weeks, nights and months where I was at the very end of my preverbal rope. The day that I got the diagnosis I realized that my son was trying and doing extremely well with what he had to work with. I was not a failure and neither was he.
   As I began to read blogs and other pages about autism, I had epiphany after epiphany. New thoughts began to sink in. I suddenly realized that I was the, "they." The problems that I had always thought of as "THEIR" problem was also my problems and challenges. This is the world that my son is going to grow up in. Did I really want him treated as a broken, damaged person?The world that we live in is not kind to those who move to a different drum. There is a constant push to conform. Before I threw around ideas and words that weren't hurtful to me. It wasn't me or my beloved child that I was hurting...little did I know that it was.
 Today is  new chapter. I may never be read by anyone, but, I will write words anyways. If by some off chance there is someone reading this, welcome to my crazy world. I am just another blogger and mother of two, who plans to change the world, one person at a time.