Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A Sad Lonely, Loner

   If you ever wondered about the loner at the school pick up, you know the one all by herself?  That would be me. You might wonder why my face is buried in my phone instead of talking with all of the other moms? For starters I have over the years realized just how different my family is. The husband works out of town in the timber industry. My son is ASD, SPD, APD, Anxiety and other language disabilities. Then there is the daughter. She is a social butterfly and is The husband and I use to joke that is she was ever kidnaped they would bring her back because she would talk their ear off. Then there is me I am a people person but I have noticed as I have gotten older that I just don't have "It" to add to my other long term friendships and family. I am doing good to maintain those relationships. Plus over the last two years I have had to have two operations, I am currently dealing with a neurological disorder, my son was diagnosed and both kids started school. Let us just say that I only have a little bit left to give and today is probably not your day.
  To be completely truthful since my sons birth I have always felt like an outsider looking in. All of the stuff that other moms would look down at me for, "what he isn't sleeping thru the night? Mine was by 3 months!" His diagnosis explained it and gave me a direction to find my tribe, others with an ASD child . Those in my tribe are the ones that get my love of all things coffee. They also get why it's hard to hear someone with a new born complain about them waking at night. I case you were wondering, my 6 year old still wakes up at night. During any major change I will have nights where I don't even get three hours at a time. Another funny thing that I have noticed and I know that I used to do it too...teeheehee. Is that the word autism is mentioned, by non autism families, in a hushed tone like they are talking about a mythical creature that will appear if its said too loud. AUTISM, autism, autism. Dang it, nothing happened. Oh, I think that I was supposed to say Rumpelstiltskin?
  To make my world just a little more awkward my daughter started Kindergarten this year. With that I was thrust into the neuro typical world. You know the one where your kid remembers the names of kids from school, you are asked to volunteer in class, cross country meets to go to and well things are typical. I now straddle two worlds one with IEPs, SLP, SDC and a whole lot of acronyms. And one with a ton of socializing. With the hubs being out of town I am stuck dragging my other kids to loud people filled places. Sorry folks it is a little hard to interact when you are covering your sons eyes and ears while rocking as you try to block out the overwhelming sensory input. And no my son is not being naughty he is over loaded and crying because it hurts. My son is sweet and caring but, when its too much he turns into a scared wild child. I know that I am not the only one. There are many families that straddle the two worlds.
    I'm not really sure, but I suppose in time I will get to know some of the, "other" school moms and I will get better at the interactions. Shoot, I might even follow my daughters lead and learn a few of their names. Until then I will stand alone. A not so sad lonely, loner enjoying my last few minutes of quite. Hey you never know maybe I'm just standing there writing about you....


  1. I have been trying to meet people so desperately, it's sad! There have been so many disappointments with old "friends" that I decided I needed to let them go...I don't miss them, but I do miss talking on the phone with people. I don't need a lot of friends, I need the good ones, the ones that know you and care about you. The ones that try to say something positive to make your day better, the ones that try hard to accept and help when things are too much! I have been trying, but so far I only really connect with people online. Which are wonderful people and totally get me, or at least try!
    The sad part is that the NT world doesn't do much for me anymore...if your kid is doing wonderful, great...but that doesn't rock my boat. But if you SN kid just said "more" or got potty trained...I am so excited for you! Really excited!

  2. Wow...I did it!
    Please don't take me wrong when I talk about NT kids. It is just too hard to deal with stuff, like how easy it is for them to learn a concept, to repeat a word, to follow directions. It is like a defense mechanism for me!