Monday, December 29, 2014

Is There Or Isn't There?

   There is something else that I am working on, but something happened today that I feel really needs to be said. So, please bare with me. I realize that every one of you have your own belief of God and miracles. I also realize that it is a spectrum, (do you see what I did there), of belief from atheist to Baptist. I also know that some of you even just believe in miracles but nothing else.
   I am here to tell you that I have been struggling in life. I have been in a 24/7 Ironman race. It is far from over and the week before Christmas I was getting fatigued. I knew that something somewhere was going to have to happen. I told close friends, I cried to my husband. I straight up needed a positive change.
   Without my knowledge my cardiologist had sent a referral to one of the teaching hospitals that is two and a half hours south of us. So, here I was exhausted and needing a break somewhere and my phone rings. I look at it and it says Unknown. I almost didn't answer, but, I did.
Me: Hello?
The Caller: Hi I'm, (I can't remember her name because my mind went blank), I am calling from,(will remain anonymous), I am calling you to say that your case has been accepted. Can you be here on Tuesday,(it was a Friday...so in four days),?
Me:???? Yes!
   Some how to spite my complete shock I managed to complete registration and schedule my appointment. I realize to someone on the outside it must seem like a fluke, an accident. To me it was a miracle. It was the breath of hope that I so desperately needed to keep going.
   I guess what I really want you to know is that there is no promise for an easy life in the bible,(yes I realize that you may not believe anything from the bible). But, even when you are in the darkest, most desolate valley, you are not alone. There is Someone always there. It is like a quest. It is not your job to question why or how. It is your job to find those people, moments and tiny acts of kindness that will give what you need to make it thru. I have thru every bad day and hard time in my life learned to look for those miracles. Some of you reading this have been that miracle that I needed. Thank you for allowing God to use you. Thank you for being a part of my life. As we all look towards the new year may your life be blessed. May you be granted eyes that see the hope that is around you.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

The Future

   I have felt this post coming for a while. I even started one and never published it. Sometimes it is hard to put my thoughts into coherent words. Today, as what often happens, something that I read brought me back to it. It was a post from one of my favorite bloggers. She shared a very intimate moment of sorrow and dreams of the future lost. In the last year with my sons diagnosis and my ill health one thing has stood out in a very surreal way, the future is unknown.
   We may have a false sense of comfort. In five year I will be living X working in X field. My son will be in X grade. So on and so forth. As humans we collectively feel sorrow when these plans don't come to fruition. A sort of grieving similar to that of a death of a loved one.
   For my son, I have no clue what that future will be. It is completely unknown. I am coming to peace with that. This is a journey you know? Sometimes, however, my own grief pops up unexpectedly. A good example is that I don't know if my son will ever read. I was,(am still), as happy as a kid in a candy store when I realized that he was ok with being read to out of a picture less book. Right now as I write this I am about ready to burst with excitement. I have been researching what to read next. The thought that even if he is never able to read the book himself he will still be able to hear the story. He will get to go on the wonderful adventures that books take you on. A very exciting win in my book.
   For me, even if I tried, I couldn't plan for my son's future. Will he ever live on his own, have a job, get married and have children? I don't know. But, do any of us really know for sure if any of our kid will? I want him to have the same opportunities as other people. I worry often about the world that he will be living in. I worry that people wont see his life as being worth something. I worry about someone feeling like they can define his quality of life and deeming it unworthy of life. I worry if I let myself. The future could be very scary so I choose to not dwell on it.  
   This year gave me a double dose of unknowns. Not just my son, but also me. I have been dealing with an unknown neurological whatever. I am waiting to see another Dr,(s), to hopefully get a diagnosis and perhaps treatment. Just knowing a little better what the future might hold for me would be a comfort. To spite my hopes I am VERY aware that non of us knows when our last day will be. I could die today for all I know. There is something to be said about living in the moment. Living each day like it is you last. If there is anything that I have learned to expect is the unexpected.
   To avoid constant grief I have had to leave some things unplanned. You can make yourself miserable if you dwell on the future.  I don't want you to think that I am saying that all planning is bad. I am simply saying that you have to think of plans as a rough guess that is flexible with change.
  For now I will have to be content living in the here and now. Waking up every day and trying to do my best whatever that may be.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

The Couch

  I find myself getting sentimental this morning when I think about our couch.

  It may not look like much more than a run down beat up old couch from the '80's. I might complain about it frequently and about how much I would love a new one.
  Truth be told I love this couch. There, I said it to the world. I LOVE this old rundown couch.
  It is where I spent the first three weeks after each c-section sleeping upright. I have spent countless hours up with sick kids and nursing babies on this couch. I fell in love with my husband on this couch. The day that I found out that I was pregnant with my daughter, I told my husband while I was sitting on this couch.
  To put it simply, I have made some of the most important memories of my life time on this couch.
  As much as I would love a new one... I might just wait. Perhaps I can find someone to fix it up and recover it. I don't think that I am ready to part with it. A few more years of memories wouldn't hurt anyone... I wouldn't think.