I have felt this post coming for a while. I even started one and never published it. Sometimes it is hard to put my thoughts into coherent words. Today, as what often happens, something that I read brought me back to it. It was a post from one of my favorite bloggers. She shared a very intimate moment of sorrow and dreams of the future lost. In the last year with my sons diagnosis and my ill health one thing has stood out in a very surreal way, the future is unknown.
We may have a false sense of comfort. In five year I will be living X working in X field. My son will be in X grade. So on and so forth. As humans we collectively feel sorrow when these plans don't come to fruition. A sort of grieving similar to that of a death of a loved one.
For my son, I have no clue what that future will be. It is completely unknown. I am coming to peace with that. This is a journey you know? Sometimes, however, my own grief pops up unexpectedly. A good example is that I don't know if my son will ever read. I was,(am still), as happy as a kid in a candy store when I realized that he was ok with being read to out of a picture less book. Right now as I write this I am about ready to burst with excitement. I have been researching what to read next. The thought that even if he is never able to read the book himself he will still be able to hear the story. He will get to go on the wonderful adventures that books take you on. A very exciting win in my book.
For me, even if I tried, I couldn't plan for my son's future. Will he ever live on his own, have a job, get married and have children? I don't know. But, do any of us really know for sure if any of our kid will? I want him to have the same opportunities as other people. I worry often about the world that he will be living in. I worry that people wont see his life as being worth something. I worry about someone feeling like they can define his quality of life and deeming it unworthy of life. I worry if I let myself. The future could be very scary so I choose to not dwell on it.
This year gave me a double dose of unknowns. Not just my son, but also me. I have been dealing with an unknown neurological whatever. I am waiting to see another Dr,(s), to hopefully get a diagnosis and perhaps treatment. Just knowing a little better what the future might hold for me would be a comfort. To spite my hopes I am VERY aware that non of us knows when our last day will be. I could die today for all I know. There is something to be said about living in the moment. Living each day like it is you last. If there is anything that I have learned to expect is the unexpected.
To avoid constant grief I have had to leave some things unplanned. You can make yourself miserable if you dwell on the future. I don't want you to think that I am saying that all planning is bad. I am simply saying that you have to think of plans as a rough guess that is flexible with change.
For now I will have to be content living in the here and now. Waking up every day and trying to do my best whatever that may be.